I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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