I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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