I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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