I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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