Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
