So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
