im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
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Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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