I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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