If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
