matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
and you said cock pushups were impossible
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
