you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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