Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
