I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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