No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
