My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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