Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
