i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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