so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
