his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
