I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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