I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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