So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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