Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
