My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
