do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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