god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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