Cold hands, warm shart.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
