the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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