I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
