how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
