Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
