I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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