He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She's the barista slut.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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