i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
