I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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