It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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