Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
