And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
