Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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