every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
