I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
