When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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