My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
