I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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