This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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