First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
false alarm, still single
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
