Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Even the bartender felt bad for me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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