he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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