Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
