Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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