I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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