I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize