I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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