I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
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crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
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So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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