EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
As shirtless as possible
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
