I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
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You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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