Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
