Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
