Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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