My liver just broke up with me...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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