Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
