he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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