You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
